Decisions. Feelings. Decisions.

I’m not normal. I’ve known that since like, 15 years now. No, I’m not a vampire or a fairy or a mermaid. I’m someone who just doesn’t think normally, act normally and definitely doesn’t feel normally. But this, this is not even an abnormal feeling. I think it’s a bit like the transition between a child and an adult.

 

What I’m experiencing right now, it’s strange feeling. It’s kind of like my favourite thing in the world, chocolate, but a poisonous one. I get to eat that brown little edible thing I’ve been yearning for. I get to taste it’s tempting flavour as soon as it touches my tongue. I feel it melting in my mouth, knowing that it’s the last thing I’ll ever eat. The poison is entering my body. The end is near. But I sacrifice my life for something I love.

 

It’s like I’m hanging on a rope. I’m not ready to let go of the rope because there’s some kind of pit beneath. I’m trying not to look down but I steal a few glances and I can see that it’s deep enough. So, I choose to hold on to the rope with all my might, hoping someone comes to save me soon enough.

 

The only problem is the fact that the rope is covered with thorns. They are pricking me. I’m hurting my fingers as I grab it tightly, just because I can’t imagine falling down that pit. My fingers are starting to bleed. If I don’t give in right now, I might just bleed to death. 

 

Basically, it’s a decision with equal pros and cons. I choose the love but it comes with sacrifice. I choose the rope but it comes with the sharp thorns. What will you choose?

Phases of Study.

My exams are just round the corner. These days, I spend the whole day drowning in the world of textbooks. This is a new feeling, considering that textbooks are my natural enemies. And whenever that happens, a series of events follows it. So, here, according to me, are the Phases of Study:

1. Take stroll around the room like a nomad, while trying to concentrate on the textbook, and discover things that you never knew existed in your very own bedroom.

2. Start feeling lazy, so choose to keep the book on the study table, sit down, make yourself cosy and comfortable and then read.

3. Sit on the bed while reading the book. This will be more comfortable. Throw in a rug, or quilt and feel as snug as a bug in the rug.

4. Lie down, sink in the pillow and read. This will also help you understand why the Titanic sank in the ocean.

5. Look up at the fan rotating above. It looks more interesting than the book. Calculate the velocity of the fan accurately to the 7th decimal point before realising that the Velocity is zero.

6. Start feeling drowsy. Drink something cold to keep yourself awake.

7. Give up on studying and go to sleep. Sleep with the book below your pillow hoping to adsorb knowledge.

This post was co-written by Srikanth Ramakrishnan (Sometimes known by the same name) and me. Srikanth can be reached on https://twitter.com/rsrikanth05.

September Day.

Walking down the steps and searching for that face,

My eyes twinkle upon seeing that familiar smile in an unfamiliar place,

I walk towards him as I notice his hair shining in the sunlight,

Trying to look calm while my brain and heart pick up a fight.

“You’ve never done this before, this is all new”, my brain says,

But the heart knows that it was bound to happen one of these days,

Seeing no chance of success, the brain loses all it’s control,

The winner ensures that my body takes part in this irrationally as a whole.

All this time he’s been doing the talking as we walk down the street,

I wonder if he’s noticed the connection, the attraction, the sparks of heat,

My stomach is tightening, my feet shivering and my cheeks are glowing,

My body is experiencing a rush of adrenaline with a tinge of nervousness flowing.

Our fingers brush past each other, sending me into fits of confusion,

Does he really feel the way I feel, or is this an illusion?

He seems to be listening to my thoughts because he puts his arm around me,

I look into his dark eyes and end up believing that we’re meant to be.

I tune out all other sounds, only the melody of his voice fills my ears,

Hope he does not belong to someone else, my heart fears,

Well, he is too good to be true but I have been kept waiting for long,

Maybe I do deserve him, this time my desire is strong.

By now we reach the café and he’s the one to open the door,

Seems like he’s a true gentleman, something to die for,

But why care about ends? This is the start of something new,

It’s a blind shot at sharing something everlasting, something true.

With shy smiles spreading over our faces we share a coffee together,

But what was better was the touch we shared, light as feather,

He unlocked me out of a cage as he peeled away the walls I made,

He doesn’t know that by letting him do that, I’m breaking the rules I laid.

Exactly a year later, I’m at the same café, sipping on the same coffee,

But this time the whole place is abnormally quiet because it’s just me,

It’s a changed world now where there’s nothing to cherish anymore,

There’s no shinning hair, no melodious voice, there’s no one to open the door.

All that keeps me going is the hope that I see my beloved’s sight,

Because this love is multiplying by the day and getting painful by the night,

If only he could read my mind, he’d know about the things I can’t directly say,

He’d see what it’s like for me to be living this tragic September day.

An Unposted Letter.

Dear ex – best friend,

It’s been almost two years. You haven’t tried to talk to me, I didn’t initiate a conversation. I thought I was being strong but was immature enough to not know that friendship isn’t a competition. I thought I’d win and maybe you had the exact same thing in mind. But look what happened. We became known strangers, always ignoring each other and hoping to avoid the awkwardness. In the end, no one won but both of us lost. We lost our friendship.

We used to be so attached. Inseparable. Everyday was spent laughing in school, every night was spent talking on the phone, catching up on whatever little we missed. There was always something to discuss, always another joke we haven’t laughed on and we had all the time in the world to do all of that. That was before we drifted apart. I don’t know whether it was your fault or mine. I don’t know who was right. All I know is the fact that I miss you. I miss those times in class passing secret notes, I miss those chats like the teacher didn’t even exist, I miss getting punished in class and seeing you get intentionally punished just to give me company, I miss being caught staring at you, I miss knowing that you always have my back if anything ever went wrong, I miss getting hyper only to have you calm me down, I miss you doing silly things just to see me smile when I was feeling low.. And I could go on and on. But most of all, I miss the way my face lit up every time I saw you.

I just want to let you know that we can always go back to the way things were earlier. All it’ll take is a smile from you and we’ll be back to being friends. I hope I’m not asking too much from you.

Forever thinking about you (even when you’re not thinking about yourself),

Your ex – best friend and eternal well wisher.

One And A Half Decade.

27th October, 2012. The day I turned 15 years old. Yesterday.

As I look back upon the past one year, I realize how much I have grown up as a person. Not only have I added an extra three hundred and sixty-six days to my age, but have also learnt so much about life. I have experienced more in one year, than I did in fourteen years. Today, I am wiser than I ever have been.

I’ve managed to survive in this world for one and a half decade. I think that is quite an achievement. Don’t you agree?

That Rose.

It’s been a while now, but that rose still holds a place in my closet

It’s unforgettable, you gave it to me the last time we met,

A year later, it’s all dried up and crushed but red as ever

And to me it signifies the last day we spent together.

That rose has not lost its beauty, I do remember its smell

But it’s still damaged like my heart where you dwell,

Because besides its red colour, my life comprises of nothing bright

Reminding me of the ties that came undone when nothing felt right.

That Rose.

In My Dream.

I never thought that anyone was perfect
But that was before the day we met,
Perfect face, perfect smile, perfect hair
And the perfect eyes that I just want to stare.

When you talk to me, I freak out
And then you ask me what that was about,
I start stammering, unable to speak
A touch from you and I go weak.

I close my eyes to see you standing right there
But then blink twice to see you around nowhere,
Wondering which fairyland had I been to
The fairyland has made me crazy about you.

Slowly you creep out of your hiding place
You creep into my mind and I drown in your craze,
I’m still fantasizing, another time when I’m all red
I’m smiling in my sleep, I forget my dread.

Suddenly I wake up from my sleep
Its midnight and I hear a beep,
It’s a text from you, you say hi
My heart smiles and I instantly reply.

The blood in my veins is rushing fast
It’s a deep feeling that will forever last,
Unable to believe, I blink my eyes
Finally someone has answered my cries.

My deep thinking is interrupted by your call
I’m tied in knots afraid to fall,
I pick up the phone and get carried along
Now I’m in a land where nothing is wrong.

I’m full of life when I’m talking to you
It’s great to know that you feel the same too,
There’s so much to say, so little time
Should I say it all, I can’t make up my mind.

It’s raining outside, a pleasant weather
I’m talking to you, happier than ever,
I feel the rain drops on my palm
My heart is pounding but I’m still calm.

With the calm, I’m transferred away
Away with you where everything is okay,
It’s just the right time, Right place
Where I’d spend eternity instead of just days.

After sometime I hang up the phone
Switch off the lights and I’m all alone,
Now I’m in another world, completely lost
I’m trying to sleep surrounded by your thoughts.

I’m still not sure, if this is all true
I could be imagining things between me and you,
But then again, it really doesn’t seem
That Cupid could hit me even in my dream.

Lonely Girl.

Lonely girl

Sitting on the window sill, she peeked out to see the world covered in the pouring rain. Everyone gladly letting the rainwater trickle down their sleek bodies. She, on the other hand was feeling the complete opposite of what they were experiencing. A throbbing pain in the chest, a lump in her throat and a churning sensation in her stomach. She opened the window, letting the cool rainwater mingle with the hot tears rolling down her face. Suffocation. Exhaustion. Fragmentation. Dehydration. She let out a sigh. The tears suggested that she had lost the battle.

All this while she had been trying to control her tears, but her emotions got the better of her. They were pent-up, and finally found a way out. This was the last straw. She was broken like a piece of glass. Undesired like a shrivelled piece of wood. Solitary like a haunted house. Tears flooding down her sweet face, blurring the images outside the window.  They were the final warning. She had to let him know the truth. She knew she couldn’t suppress it anymore. She couldn’t bottle up her feelings now. She couldn’t let him go, again. But she feared she already had.

She got out of the house, regardless of the strong gust of wind that was her enemy. She entered the world of the rain, knowing that an umbrella was not needed. The rain made no difference to her face, it was already wet due to her tears. She could feel the heat radiating from her body and the burning sensation as soon as the water touched it. It was like sprinkling salt on a wound. Slowly, her body felt the rain drops, as though it was soaking it like thirsty plants. She looked around and shed a drop of tear again. A strange feeling enveloped her.

It was the same street. The same street she hated the sight of. The same street she had been trying to avoid. The same street she had been running away from. But now it all came back to her.

She would walk on the street every day with him. It was the street where they had once walked hand in hand, and made promises. Who knew she wouldn’t have the assurance of that hand anymore? Who knew those promises were never meant to last? She was left to be all by herself. His face revolving around in her mind. Her head was aching.

She slipped her hand in her pocket and took out a ring. It was given to her by him. All this time she had been trying to get away from it, hoping she’d forget him soon enough. She couldn’t. Not wearing the ring signified the fact that she wasn’t his anymore, and that he wasn’t hers. She wore the ring anyway. She didn’t care if he didn’t love her anymore. She was his forever.

She was a lonely girl. Just lonely no more.

White Lie.

You aren’t there to put your arms around me
This guilt inside is killing me gently
Something is missing, there’s a void, a space
I’m confused and lost in this complicated maze.

I know I hurt you a lot, I was so wrong
I was the one who deceived you all along
But now I’m asking you to forgive and forget
Because losing you is like taking in a bullet.

I know you were trampled and stepped on
I was the reason why you had gone
It was me who had shut the door on your face
But without you now, I feel so out of place.

I lied to you, it was my slow attack
But now I’d give anything to have you back
Because now I can see things turning upside down
This time it’s you who’s not around.

It took me two whole years to realize my mistake
But I’ve finally found myself for your sake
I’m trying to go on but I’ve got one foot in the past
Still waiting for you to come back to me at last.

If only I knew things would never be the same
I would’ve tried but that day never came
I apologize, I’m sorry for everything
I’m sorry that I let our love lose its zing.

But now I know, you were right
I had gone away leaving you alone that night
Just know honey, now I won’t commit that crime
I won’t give up my love for you this time.

Just remember me once; I’ll do whatever you say
Anything to make up for that horrible betray
I’ll come wherever you want, just give me a call
I only wanna hear three words from you, that’ll say it all.

But if you still don’t believe me, I understand
You’re slipping through my fingers just like sand
Its okay if you don’t trust me, I’m perfectly fine
I’ve been untrue a lot to be genuine this time.

But if ever my thought crosses your mind
I’m always here; I’ll be wherever you find
I’ll always care for you; I’ll give a thousand reasons why
Remember those untruths were all a white lie.

Lying to Yourself.

Once upon a time, my hair was always a mess, I didn’t wear makeup, branded clothes didn’t really matter, high heels were a big NO, people didn’t starve themselves to look beautiful, pink wasn’t over-exaggerated.

Lying to yourself

Why do people always try to fit in? I wish they would just be themselves and not pretend to be someone cooler than they really are. Why would you want to be a “wannabe” and be a part of those popular groups in school? Why do you want to attract more than necessary attention to yourself? People just don’t wish to be in the background anymore. Maybe people are just way too insecure than is good. Do you get some kind of relief when you get complimented for your size zero figure? What most people don’t understand is that, you’re losing your own identity. Giving yourself away like that, it’s not worth what you’re getting in return. All you become is someone with too much attitude, and rude behaviour. But you’ll always, in your heart be that one person who isn’t confident about herself and needs others to make her feel good about herself. Is that really right? Ask yourself.

As I am in my teenage years, I see how everybody is constantly in under this pressure of trying to show off, and act cool. Some time back, I couldn’t wait to be a teen but I didn’t agree to a life like this. Sometimes I wish I could get a refund.